Ones I Can Remember

When an eel bites your thumb and your arm goes all numb that's a moray.

At the seance we got a message from the other side: "Road dangerous, don't cross, cockadoodledoo."

You have to exaggerate on these application forms, for 'title' I've put "WBO Heavyweight Boxing Champion Of The World."

How much wood would Victoria Wood chuck if Victoria Wood would chuck wood, chuck?

Anyone else going to this year's Geneva convention?

A striker sleeps to dream of a goal per chance.

That Henry Heimlich, there's a guy who deserves a pat on the back.

I saw an ocean liner today - that's one enormous bit of plastic.

I've found more underground sources of water than you can wave a stick at.

"Ah Mr.Browse, you're our 10:30" "Please, call me '10'" - smooth as you like at the hairdressers.

Palindrome - Stadium at the centre of PythonWorld® #ued

I asked Mark Rothko to do my portrait - he just blocked me.

"Hey Spock! High five! No, you have to keep the fingers together........idiot."

My full name is Arnold Sebastian Algernon Perditer, which could explain why I keep getting asked to do everything.

According to the latest Straw Poll, scarecrows vote Liberal.

Anyone else entering this year's Nuremberg Rally?

I've got hat-hair, which saves a pretty penny on hats.

Here's my Frank Spencer impression: *Frank Spencer face* *Frank Spencer voice* "Hmmm Betty."

"Where to, guv'?" "Funky Town please." "Where's that?" "Second left after Boogie Wonderland." "Right you are, and nice 'fro too, sir."

"What's up Bones?" "It's Spock, Captain, just caught him playing Strip-4D Chess with Chekhov."

"Ah, Mr. Bond we've been expecting you - start in the attic and take special care when cleaning the lifts."

Terrier - more like Terry. #ued

Scottish football legend Gemmill plays trumpet in a Mexican style brass band "Mariachi?" That goal against Holland was good, but he's not my type.

You are not going to believe the size of Aunt Bessie's freezer.

Pioneering - lobe jewelry depicting the number 3.14159.... #ued

Do Americans call him Johnny Mathi?

Don't go shopping with greasy hands - it's much harder to get purchase.

I call my left testicle 'Kevin' - it's his nom de plum.

Our remote control is useless, located as it is on the Pacific island of Nuku Hiva.

I admit now that my story about being a mummy miraculously brought back to life was a complete fabrication.

If a mime artist falls down in the forest and no-one is around to hear it, does he still not make a noise?

My best mate stole my supply of Viagra - still, no hard feelings.

It's a converted barn set in two acres of reclaimed arable farmland - Jonathan ross calls it his 'country RT'

I've hired a stuntman in case I fall down the stairs.

Grinch - imperial measurement of snarl length. #ued

I've had it up to *here* with people who are five foot six and three quarters.

I've had it up to here with conspiracy theories, the sooner we get on to the practical exam the better.

Eventually Popeye had baby Spinach with Olive oil.

Alvin Stardust stands like that because the bar in his local is too high for him.

The ring-toned sloth is endangered because it is annoying and very, very slow.

I've got a shopping list as long as my arm - it just says "milk" which I admit is a waste of paper.

I sleep in a single bed, it's enormous. I also have a double bed because you never know when your double might come to stay.

I'm having all my organs tattooed on the outside of my body in case an inexperienced surgeon has to operate.

"Talk to the ears, the boobs ain't listening."

Ever tried speaking with forked tongue? It's very, very painful and everythin thoun li la.

3PO & R2 sitting in a tree, r.u.s.t.i.n.g.

June 4th 2023, March 30th 2015, November 3rd 2398. Laters.

Oblige - The Irish branch of Mary J.'s family.

Which cards make up a courtesy flush?

A pine cone is the closest a squirrel gets to a Rubik's Cube.

"So let's celebrate, I'm feelin' great, I'm the guy who found the lost chord." Jimmy Durante, relieved after a near-disastrous parachute incident.

With hindsight I wish I'd been the front half of the pantomime horse.

Good evening. The rest of this tweet is in mandarin: quack quack quack *waddle* quack quack *shakes arse* quack.

The first rule of Junior Fight club is no-one becomes a Tommy-tell-tale-tit.

"Anyone want to buzz? I'll have to hurry you..." "Mary, Magdalene:" "Is it an apple?" Very early University Challenge.

Whatever goes on Frances de la Tour, stays on Frances de la Tour.

The inventor of toothpaste was born in our village, you can't tell which house because there's no plaque on the outside.

Ssangyong is an anagram of sSangyong.

Bad news from the doctors, I've been diagnosed as having mightgetrunoverbyabustomorrowitis.

I'm your secret admirer, the komodo dragon you feed budgies to in the greenhouse is my favourite.

"Is it true we have no bananas?" "NO! We have 'yes' bananas, we have 'yes' bananas today!"

I hate 'yes' bananas, crawling around the rest of the bunch - I'd have 'no' bananas any day of the week. Today even.

Got a thirst walking around IKEA, but it's hard building up a thirst when you can't read the instructions.

Baby-sat last night, but I admit to being naughty, refusing to go to bed and insisting on tea & cake at 2 a.m.

Water and the laws of physics; whatever floats your boat.

All joking aside, I'd like to organise a charity football match between 22 comedians.

The life story of Mr. Magoo is to be made into a film - it's a myopic.