Humph Under The Hammer

I went on Mastermind. I didn't win, otherwise I wouldn't be wasting my time writing blogs. First of all, John Humphrys: never liked him. Secondly, that chair stinks, although this will be a surprise to no one. Thirdly, the 'Green Room' was nothing like you'd expect, being taupe if anything, and badly in need of a makeover. No booze, no biscuits...

"And can we have our first contestant please.... "

I'd rehearsed my walk to the chair in the mirror countless times, and being an adult I'd walked towards countless chairs and sat in most of them. But this was in front of an audience of nerds and the friends/family of the other contestants. And cameras. Unfortunately my walk that day was a mirror-image of my usual walk: what appeared to me to be my right arm was in fact my left arm, this also went for the legs, hips (I was giving it some), and eye browse too. To cut a longish story less long, I walked backwards, fell over Cynthia Jerrumsgale (a retired librarian from Hull, who enjoys fishing and table tennis net weaving). Luckily it wasn't live, so with a little coaching form Cynthia Jerrumsgale from Hull etc. I made it.

"Name please."

"Edward Browse."

"And your occupation?"

"Mind your own business."

"And your specialist subject?"

"Homes Under The Hammer, series one through 18."

"Mr Browse, your two minutes on Homes Under The Hammer, series one through 18 starts ... now..."

"In series 13, episode nine, how would you describe Martin's shirt as he viewed the disused chapel in Cheedle?"

"Blue Hawaiian."

"Correct. In series two, episode 23, what made Lucy jump three feet into the air, shout "OOPS!" and strike Jim Spladgecock about the head repeatedly with a rolled-up copy of 'Loot'?"

"He'd bought an eight-bedroom mansion on The Isle of Mull without getting the damp course checked by a professional."

"Correct. In series one episode one, how many times did Martin refer to Lucy as 'Nancy'?"

"Six during recording, once on air, four on the DVD extras."

"Correct. How did Will Self describe Lucy's presenting style in his Guardian column, September 18th, 2009?"

"'Rife with Embrounded speculation, a manifestly hippocratic ecto-frindulate, bartholemewed to within an inch of her event horizon. Chirpy.'"

"Correct. Why was auctioneer Eric Spittlefarm struck off the auctioneer's register and jailed for three months?"

"For hypnotising Mable Freelove to bid against her husband Harold in series four, episode 79."

"Correct. In series twelve, episode 46, The Malveston family of Luton converted a derelict youth club into which thriving business, using grants from the council and Lottery funding?"

"A brothel."

"I'll accept that. With 67 appearances, Wilf Struntall of Struntall, Greenbaum & Frivvitsplean is the most omnipresent estate agent is the show, how did he die?"

"He took a wrong turn entering the loft conversion of a semi in Tiverton, cartwheeling a Juliet balcony."

"Correct. When Kenneth Faunkrack of East Dulwich refused to move the downstairs bathroom in a Barking townhouse to the upstairs, what did Martin do?"

"He issued a fatwa, kicked him in the shins, and threw a bucket of warm milk over him. Twice."

"Correct. Martin has missed only one episode of the show; what was his excuse?"

"Dry rot."

"Correct. How much rental income did 67, Brackleshome Road, Swindon achieve in episode three, series nine?"

"£450 per month."

"No, £450 per calender month, I can't accept that."

"Bastard."

"I have to accept your first answer. Where does the drum loop on the auction background music come from?"

"Ram Jam's 'Black Betty'?"

"No, it's 'Funky Drummer', everyone knows that." *noise like a car alarm*

"Bollocks."

".... er, thank you. Mr Browse, you scored nine with no passes."

Who knows what my general knowledge score would have been? There were still 45 seconds left on my specialist subject round, but the car alarm went off so I scarpered.







Written with genuine affection for the show, @TVMartinRoberts and @LucyAlexanderTV.