To Infinity But No Further

Wow, infinity right? 
We are living in, when last checked, an infinite universe. You might think this is just another scaremongering pop-up theory formed by the Tory government (under Thatcher) to keep us from worrying about house prices. But no, scientists (I'll check which ones in a minute) maintain (endlessly of course) that the universe goes on for ever. Let us for the sake of argument agree with them.

From Wikipedia:
In 1584, the Italian philosopher and astronomer Giordano Bruno proposed an unbounded universe in On the Infinite Universe and Worlds: "Innumerable suns exist; innumerable earths revolve around these suns in a manner similar to the way the seven planets revolve around our sun. Living beings inhabit these worlds."

So if you have an infinite universe, there is not only one other sun like ours, but an infinite number of suns exactly like ours, with exact replicas of Earth revolving around them. 

A similar theory involves pi. Again, from Wikipedia:

The number π is a mathematical constant, the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter, approximately equal to 3.141592. Being an irrational number, π cannot be expressed exactly as a common fraction, although fractions such as 22/7 and other rational numbers are commonly used to approximate π. Consequently its decimal representation never ends and never settles into a permanent repeating pattern. 

You can argue that pi isn't really a number, but an idea of a number. But if it is a number, it's an infinite one. As a result all number sequences must appear in it. For instance: take all the phone numbers in the Yellow Pages, string them end-to-end, and this sequence will be in pi. One business in the book goes under, their number is removed, the new sequence will still eventually appear in pi. 

Now fingerprints.
Everyone knows that every human's fingerprints are unique. But this can only be a theory because not everyone has been born yet and not everyone's fingerprints have been checked. Similarly, it might take a while, but two identical snowflakes might turn up: "Quick, Madge! Get the microscopic camera, it's melting." etc. Perhaps stretching a point; Mike Silverman (who introduced the first automated fingerprint detection system to the Metropolitan Police) has his doubts about the theory too. To be fair however, he is factoring human error into the equation:
From The Telegraph...

So which one of these theories should we believe? None of them are religious or creationist mumbo-jumbo. They're like evolution, making sense but also making you stare off into space when you should be concentrating on work or whatever.

But they can't all be right. 

If all fingerprints are different, then all the planets and stars in the universe can be different too. If all snowflakes are unique, then all the numbers in pi can be random and follow no other sequence. If someone finds two sets of similar dabs then we are not alone.

And then there's God.
Another infinite concept, he/she has to keep an eye on everything ALL the time while creating new stuff in the process; it must be infinitely exhausting. When asked what his religious beliefs were, the writer and all-round good egg Frank Muir replied: "I'm a lapsed agnostic - my doubts are beginning to waver." How can an atheist explain the universe if he can't believe it's infinite? Must he downgrade to agnosticism? Unfortunately for those reading this, neither of you will reach far enough into space to take a picture of The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe. And the other one is unlikely, let us be frank, to bump into God at Tesco. 

Blaise Pascal tried to work out what was the best philosophy to live by, given the fact that we don't know what will happen to us at the end:

From Wikipedia once more:
'Pascal's Wager' is an argument in apologetic philosophy which was devised by the seventeenth-century French philosopher, mathematician, and physicist Blaise Pascal (1623–1662). It posits that humans all bet with their lives either that God exists or not. Given the possibility that God actually does exist and assuming an infinite gain or loss associated with belief or unbelief in said God (as represented by an eternity in heaven or hell), a rational person should live as though God exists and seek to believe in God. If God does not actually exist, such a person will have only a finite loss (some pleasures, luxury, etc.).

So be nice and you might be rewarded later with infinite fun in Heaven, or have all the fun now and risk infinite nasties. You do the maths.

Any comments welcome....

"John Davies ‏@artfulbooks  I reckon any number also has infinite potential, so Pi can go on indefinitely without hesitation, deviation or repetition. Irrational numbers do my 'ead in. 
And what about those frogs jumping half way to a wall and never reaching it? #strewth"

Even 1 can be an infinite number if you give it enough decimal places: 1.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000... (I could go on)

The experiment John refers to is this: 

Place a frog a foot away from a wall and ask it to jump half way. Then tell it to jump half way again; will froggy ever reach the wall? If the frog keeps jumping, it must eventually reach the wall. There's a formula for working out why the frog must reach the wall: on one side you have the distance jumped in fractions "1/2, plus 1/2 squared" and so on. These distances equal 1, which is the original distance to travel. 

But, just saying all those fractions = 1 doesn't prove that the frog reaches the wall! If it is only jumping half way it will never be closer than half of any distance, no matter how small. Show us, clever cloggs! First of all, I'm on to the RSPCA - why not try it with an inanimate object? Something you can control? Or are you worried that it won't work and you made up the story of the frog to cloud the issue. Also what if, like a piece of A4 paper, you reach a point where you can no longer halve the space between the frog and the wall? The frog will be sitting there drumming its fingers, waiting for the next leap, NOT at the wall.
Mathematicians: don't trust them.

Peter G. Casazza writes: (on this and other, possibly crackpot, maths problems)

I maintain that Casazza is wrong. The frog doesn't reach the wall because eventually the space between the frog and the wall will be too small to halve. If the frog decides to jump on, into the wall, it will be of its own free will and nothing to do with Peter G. #FreeTheFrog

An Angel For The East

A pylon, yesterday.

I e-mailed Norfolk County Council; this is roughly what I wrote [you have 20 minutes to fill in any enquiry so I might have panic-spelled some words, I've since had a cup of tea and a rest].

"Dear NCC,

There is a stretch of railway between Diss and Norwich which contains a long sweep of pylons. Unlike many, I enjoy seeing them - they let you know you're nearly at journey's end and they look a bit like very tall people." 

[note: when cable was touted as the future, I thought it meant they were going to BURY all the pylons. In the list of dumbest things I've ever thought it ranks 12th]

"There do not seem to be many residences around these pylons, they appear in farmer's fields, well protected from intruders and not affecting people's views. I think you could cheer this stretch of line up even more by choosing one of the pylons and turning it into a giant toy robot. It has to be a toy robot so as not to frighten any children. I admit this could be a dangerous and disruptive project, but if the robot is made up of six pre-painted panels of plastic or fibreglass [perhaps the boat builders on the broads or Lotus could help] it must be possible. The robot doesn't need to encase a pylon either, it could just hold the wires between two others."

There was no way to attach a drawing to the e-mail form, but I mentioned this project designed by Choi & Shine Architects for Iceland called 'Land Of The Giants'

So, I'm waiting for an answer. Chances are they'll see the e-mail was sent late-ish on a sunday and assume I was drunk or a student or both. Perhaps I needed to go to the arts council first, or Eastern Electricity, I'll keep asking whoever springs to mind until it's built or I'm deported.

This robot was inside a Christmas cracker and could be the purest design possible for '413?

28th January.

I've had a reply. We add @DonnaCropley to our list of enablers, and our robot has a name [or number at least]: #1172413. '413 for short.

	Jan 28 (3 days ago)
"to me

Dear Sir/Madam

Thank you for your email regarding pylons. It has been logged under reference number 1172413.

In order to access further information regarding your idea, you will in the first instance need to contact the national grid, I have enclosed a link below for your reference.  You will also need to contact Land Registry and the local district/borough council to establish ownership of the land, further links are provided below.

*links*

I wish you every success with your idea.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if I can be of further assistance.

Yours sincerely,

Donna Cropley

Customer Service Assistant

Customer Services and Communications Department

Norfolk County Council"

Of course, there's this great ad for IKEA - the robot has weak arms but makes up for it with 'lifty-vision'...

4th February:

I've applied to the Arts Council for a grant to build #RobotFourOneThree; their reply was long and comprehensive so I'll try and keep it down to the main points:

• The project has to be engaging and a benefit to the public.
• It must be a self-contained, time-limited activity with a start & end date [i.e. they'll help build it but not maintain it afterwards, this also guards against 'Grand Designs'-type budget predictions which ALWAYS get exceeded].
• It can't be of a commercial nature or designed to make a financial profit.
• It can't be a charitable cause or geared towards health or social outcomes [I think this is specific to the type of funding I've applied for & is in no way an anti-charity agenda - there must be different channels for charities to try].
• The reply warned that even if eligible [which I'm sure '413 is] not all applications succeed but there are other sources available. We also have to decide how much to apply for - there is up to £15,000 or £15,000 & above - there is an application form and proposal to construct.

Our gut feeling is that we'll need over £15,000.

So, what next? Do I find someone who'll build the robot, then find out if the owners of the land will let it live there, then ask for the money?

5th February:

I've e-mailed Lotus about the construction of '413. They make cars with metal skeletons and fibreglass skins so even if they won't make it, they should know a company that can. All Lotus cars have had names beginning with E [Elise, Exige, Esprit etc.] - it might turn out to be 'E413'. They may see it as an opportunity to trumpet their manufacturing skill, they may not. Getting a company involved who are ultimately looking for profit could jeopardise Arts Council funding, so I've stressed this is an installation. I hope they can help us.

6th February: LOTUS have kindly replied; we now add Tracey Tompsett [@traceylotus] to our list of Associates....

Tompsett, Tracey	8:31 AM (2 hours ago)
to me

Hi Edward,

Thanks for the extra information. I must say, it’s an unusual request! We have never been approached to produce a giant robot before!

I will have a chat with some of our specialists across the business, but our plant is running at full capacity building the Lotus Evora, Exige and Elise so I’m not sure there’s excess resource available.  I will see if I can get some recommendations for you though.

Thanks again,

All the best,

Tracey  

Tracey Tompsett – Public Relations
GROUP LOTUS PLC, Potash Lane, Hethel, Norwich, Norfolk, NR14 8EZ, England
 

 

A 'pylon', tomorrow? ©Ed Browse 2014

The auditions for #RobotFourOneThree are busy.

Tiger wooden toy robot.

This is another option for constructing '413....

Here's some robots your little ones can program to do "unlimited" things [that means "kick a ball, sweep things up..."]:
https://www.play-i.com/

Not sure what 'Baxter' does, but if you're writing an article or book and can't be bothered to look anything up, he might be your man. Note: you can also put him on a pedestal at extra cost [we know from science fiction that this always ends in disaster]. http://www.active-robots.com/baxter-research-robot.html

Our proposed location comes under the jurisdiction of South Norfolk District Council, our reference number is 452710. I know you love the numbers.

P.S. These could be actual future pylons...

P.P.S. Here's a pylon skipping...

I've started a Pinterest board of robots #RobotFourOneThree could look like:
http://www.pinterest.com/ebrowse/robotfouronethree/

Pylons are between 55 & 180 feet tall. We're talking about one of the taller ones. Ole '413 will be big.

We'd be doing this...
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Build-Paint-Robot-Great-Childrens/dp/B009P2M6CE/ref=sr_1_9?s=kids&ie=UTF8&qid=1391205889&sr=1-9&keywords=vintage+toy+robot

And there's a giant robot who directs traffic in Congo....
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/innovations/wp/2014/01/30/theres-a-giant-robot-directing-traffic-in-congo/

This just in:

HitchBOT, the hitchhiking robot, enters final leg of 6,000-kilometre journey
Read more....

Freewheelin' Bob Dylan [but is he ART?]

At Halcyon Gallery [no 'The'] in Mayfair, you can see 'Mood Swings' - an exhibition of Bob Dylan's artwork. 'Exhibition' makes it sound friendlier and less like a very posh shop than it is. There are two heavies on the door [wired up like FBI goons] and there are roped-off areas where, if you take a peek, you can see offices manned by sharp-suited art-future managers doing deals over the phone. Never mind all that, we're here for the ART.

The 'Zim does roughly four kinds of ART.

1) Pictures.
For his 'Self Portrait' LP, Bob Dylan put a self-portrait on the cover. It doesn't look like him but I still like it because it looks like he didn't try TOO hard and enjoyed doing it. It's loose. At Halcyon we see 4-foot-tall sketches, paintings and prints all in this loose style. Some of them work as decoration because they're colourful and look like things [houses, trees etc.] but most look like Van Gogh homages. They're loose up to a point but when he gets to a face they tighten up & overwork. You want to take an eraser to them and tidy them up although they are supposed to be untidy. You could do better.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self_Portrait_(Bob_Dylan_album)

2) 'Sculptures'.
Specifically: gates and wall hangings made from old bits of iron, spanners, toothed wheels and the like. I have no problem with novelty gates. In Norfolk you often get a garden gate with bullrushes woven into the railings, perhaps climbed by a little mouse or perched-on by a heron. I bet they don't cost £100.000 each. There's a picture of Bob on Halcyon's website, standing astride one of his circular wall iron 'images'. This proves that he did them I suppose; I'm not doubting he has, but I'd rather see a short film of him speaking to camera saying: "I have a team of 200 students doing all the work, I just visit the scrapyard and choose the bits." It would be more like ART that way. Instead, he seems to be saying: "Concentrate, Bob - you're gonna be chargin' huuuge bucks for these...."

http://www.halcyongallery.com/

3) 'Genuine Car Doors Used By The Most Famous Gangsters Still With The Bullet Holes From When They Were Finally Tracked Down By The Cops'*
*Old car doors, with bullet holes and dents, from the gangster era indicated, with a black & white poster about a different gangster with each door. The sort of poster you might get to advertise a village féte or whist drive.

[look close enough and there are no actual claims that these doors belong to those gangsters SO WHY HAVE THE BRASS NECK TO CALL THEM ART & CHARGE TONS OF MONEY FOR THEM?]

4) Enormous Blow-Ups Of Magazine Covers
In which Bob takes a cover of 'LIFE' Magazine, blows it up to 6 feet and changes the headlines. There's a really nice one with Woody Allen, Groucho Marx's son features on another, Gadhafi as Superman... they look impressive. Buuuut they'd look impressive if they were just 'LIFE' magazine covers blown up - because the 'LIFE' logo looks great. But Bob Dylan didn't design the 'LIFE' logo so what is his input? He's found a good printer? The satirical headlines are thought-provoking but printed so sharply as to ruin the illusion that they're original. Again, you could do it yourself. Better. And cheaper.



The best piece is a black & white photo of Bob in his studio, guitar resting on a wall, oil paintings in various stages dotted about the shelves. It's not for sale. I might not know a lot about art, but I know what I like; I might not know a lot about Bob Dylan, but I know he's not ART*.



*apart from the music

Double-Jeopody Plus One

I was short of cash.

The advert said: "Meet Steve Coogan and win £100 in CASH!"
It said stuff about who to ring and the rest, but I won't bore you with that now. I rang the number, spoke to the brother of the bloke in The Mock Turtles and arranged to meet.

In a disused warehouse, somewhere off the North Circular was a portakabin like the one Michael Caine is brainwashed in during 'The I.P.C.R.E.S.S. File'. Cosy like. Outside, dressed as Tony Ferrino, I was met by Steve Coogan [dressed as Steve Coogan].

Inside we were not alone. Reading left to right [or if you're chinese, left to right], Coogan, Bricktop [the cockney thug], Mrs Elsie Lanyard [aged 67] and Hunstanton P. "Bish-Bash-Bosh" McAli [light-heavyweight boxing champion of Dulwich]. I was introduced of course, there was no way of guessing all that other information.

"Edward", started Coogan, "congratulations on making it this far in the quest for one hundred pounds. You have been chosen for three reasons over and above the other entrants; 1) You can drive 2) Mrs Elsie Lanyard [aged 67] liked your picture and 3) You look like you could fight a bit but not too much. Now here's the deal: We'll give you one hundred pounds in, we're speculating here, used fivers if you can a) Accompany Bricktop to the Dulwich branch of HSBC and *cockney accent* turn it over. You'll be driving. Or b) Make a short, instructive video that may or may not contain scenes of a sexual nature with Mrs Elsie Lanyard [aged 67]..."
*wink* from Mrs L [aged 67]
"...or c) Go toe-to-toe, man-on-man, mano-on-mano, glove-to-glove, for richer for poorer over three three-minute rounds against Hunstanton P. "Bish-Bash-Bosh" McAli [he's a boxer]."

I stroked my chin, which didn't respond.

The bank job was tempting but the chance of being banged up for armed robbery didn't inspire [I was guessing about the tools, but it was daylight and within normal business hours so a good guess]. Mrs Elsie Lanyard [I'm guessing between 65 & 70] seemed a nice enough sort but, really. As for Hunstanton P. [I later found out it stood for 'Philadelphia', not because he was from there but it's his favourite cheese] "Bish-Bash-Bosh" McAli, I reckoned I could take him easy.

Steve, 'Top & Els seemed disappointed with my choice. Reassuringly, so did 'Phil.

The ring was shabby, the ropes were not strong enough to actually keep you in the ring if you so much as leaned on them, there was no bell [someone had brought a triangle along] and all four corners were red, which confused the announcer.

I've seen the "Thriller In Manila", but poor old Hunstanton Doo-Dah couldn't fight his way into a manila envelope, let alone out of a paper bag. I caught him with a south or north paw, I can't remember, and next thing I know his mum is in the ring attacking me with her shoe. Three stitches.

After the blood was mopped up...

"Edward, congratulations. To be honest we weren't expecting this result - I for one was sure you'd go for the bank job - which is why we don't have the hundred pounds, which would probably have been in used fivers, to give you. Luckily, Mrs Elsie Lanyard [still young enough to hold a driver's license] has agreed to escort Bricktop to HSBC.
In the meantime, the posh bloke out of #Gogglebox is here to give you your trophy.

Enter, the worse for two bottles of red, Dom Parker, holding one of those tiny cups, a proportionally accurate F.A. Trophy just big enough for an egg.
"Whatto", piped Dom, "well done and all that, top fisticuffs, I say, couldn't do me a favour old chap? I'm not sure I'm safe to drive, what with them having a television next door and an open bar. Deliver this box of chockies to my Auntie Glenda in Barstead Avenue on your way home and there's an extra quid in it for you..."





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In The Kitchen At Parties

We were kindly invited to a party by @TheOfficialMWF, entertained by grand kitchen creator Michael Wilkinson and Chef @MichelRouxJr, who provided the gorgeous canapés. We took some photos.

Michael Wilkinson, our charming and colourful host.

A Pre smoked salmon & quails egg-fueled crowd.

"Can you make it out to Gordon Ramsay, that's R. A. M.."

Ritz® Crackers have a lot to live up to.

Sebastian, assembler of canapés and assistant to the Chef

Cheers!

Chef Michel Roux [I offered to wash up]

Don Quixote: A Restricted Review

Last night to The Royal Opera House for Don Quixote; a ballet. In case you've never been, it's like a play with much less talking and more music, or a prom with tons more dancing. Pre-show snack was a jumbo sausage roll and a banana from the Sainsbury's opposite Holborn tube, £2:10. 

The story revolves around the titular Don, seemingly going off his trolley and onto a giant robot horse, followed by a tiny man in lots of padding called Sancho. Sancho drinks, gets beaten up by girls and is carried off by Dementors before making a triumphant return in time to see Don ride off into the sunset on his giant robot horse.

A curtain, yesterday.

That's a GIANT ROBOT HORSE. The ears twitch and everything.

There's also a soppy old love story with dad not letting daughter see the one she loves and wanting her to marry the fop instead. Only scene-changes and gypsy bullfighters can make sense prevail. A giant robot horse! It's all magical.

I lost count of how many were in the orchestra; it was at least 38. We had a good view of the brass section, dressed in dicky bows despite playing in a pit. They looked relaxed throughout, very much the orchestra in form. The conductor had as many curtain calls as the dancers which seemed a bit rich.

"It's not a real horse." "Sshh."

Paul Hogan was right about the trousers. I mean, what if there's an accident?

At one point one of the 'rinas dropped her fan - do you think they have little huddles before the show for such moments? The others could have thrown their fans to the ground in solidarity, but no. The final flourish of that section had the girls posing impossibly on one toe, waving their fans like no tomorrow. Our friend went for *hand on hip* which was a nice compromise.

Look at him milking it - didn't dance a single step!

At the end the story takes a rest while the stars do their final showing off floor exercise. These people are in the absolute peak of physical condition and deserve every "bravo". Go and see 'Don Quixote' at The Royal Opera House if you can.

See, they did all the work and have to sneak out the side of the curtain. There's no justice.

An enormous THANK YOU to @msmarchers for the chance to enjoy such a fantastic evening. x

Trouble With Boris

"Your back wheel's following you, if you're lucky."

An experiment was carried out, removed, and another one brought in in its place. Over 24 hours, spread over 2 days, we would find out how good the Boris Bikes are. Our perspective only.

For £2 you can hire a Borispeed for 24 hours. This sounds like a sweet deal and it is, as long as you follow some procedures. First you pay for your 24 hours then, and only then, you repost your credit/debit card to receive your release codes. You tap these codes on the bike dock until it flashes green - then wrestle the rather heavy machine out of its housing. There is a knack involving a lifting motion but most people we saw appeared red-faced and bruised before getting on.

The first docking station we found was full of bikes - this is not a good sign, it means the payment/ticket machine is not working.

The next station had a working payment screen but all the bikes were showing a red light and couldn't be removed; so we had tickets for that station but no bike to ride [the tickets are 'live' for 10 minutes, becoming void thereafter and not transferable to another station].

Once on your bike, to avoid paying more you must dock and re-hire within 30 minutes. Go over and you are charged an extra £1 - go over your 24 hours and it's £150 added to your card.

Aaaanyway. The third station we found had the holy trinity of working screen, working bikes and available bikes. We high-fived, adjusted our saddles [big], checked our gears [3], brakes [hefty] and were off.

For about 20 minutes all is well, then the spectre of extra payment starts nagging. We found a place to dock but there were no bikes available to take out; another walk....

All the stations we saw had little crowds of confused tourists, either trying to work out the payment process or wondering why the bike with a red light flashing couldn't be wrestled out of its home.

Our next ride went over the half-hour. I mean, life's too short right?

Fair game [10 points for a direct hit].

It was nice going through Hyde Park, moaning at the dozy pedestrians instead of walking through Hyde Park moaning at the dozy cyclists. Tip: if you're english, the little "brring-brring" bell is a viable and acceptable means of warning folks you are about to stove them in two from behind. Tourists, who are less reserved, keep theirs going non-stop and expect you to respond with a smile. Join in. Boris, you might want to add Raleigh Chopper-style saddles for hipsters and baby Boris bikes for the littles. You're welcome. Also, these bikes have CONSTANTLY flashing lights. CONSTANTLY. That means Boris Johnson has discovered perpetual motion and kept it mainly to himself.

The Borissettes,  including Invisible Kevin third from left. Note they're not moving, Boris Johnson.

We started late on Saturday afternoon and docked our last bikes near the Albert Hall 23-and-a-bit hours later. The station contained an almost full rack of bikes and a broken payment point.

"Get off and milk it!" etc.