Michael Bolam Writes

You may have read "I, Jed" a few weeks back where we were introduced to Michael "Mike" Bolam. Due to a local bereavement Mike came upon a ticket to Wednesday night's Capital One Cup match between his local side Norwich, and big smoke lah-di-dahs Tottenham Hotspurs. Moved by the experience he decided to put type to paper...

"To:
Ms Delia Smith, Manager and Chief Cook
Norwich City Football Team
Norwich City
Norwich, Norwich
Norfolk
Norwich.

Dear Delia,
Please call me Mike. Now, Delia my love, last night I got to see the team playing Tottingham and I'll tell you it's been a while! Luckily my ticket was free [it's what chipshop Steve would've wanted] otherwise you could've whistled for £30, especially as it wasn't The World Cup [as promised by Kevin at work]. Now, I found the seating position adequate enough, Delia, and the game was alright - but it's half-time where things went a bit south. Where was the brass band? Where was the bloke who used to chuck peanuts at you? Where was the "wear your colours!" man? I was narked enough by their absence to seek the bar, Delia - I don't mind telling you. More disappointment. Now, I like a drink, Delia, but whither [or 'wherever was' if you prefer] the 'K'? You not heard of 'K'? I know, I know you have the local ales and that but they aint got the kick [if you'll pardon the pun] of a 'K'. I take mine with a chaser from the trusty hip-flask but that's by-the-by. Pork pies - unseasoned, Delia! Luckily I always carry sachés of salt, pepper, vinegar, tomato ketchup, 'Daddies, Delia, 'DADDIES', mayonnaise and a little bottle of sweet chilli sauce too [because you never know].

When that other lot scored I pissed off - this was valuable drinking time at 'The 'Horses' I was missing - but I did sneak a look at your kitchens, Delia. Now, A dickie bird told me that your extraction system hasn't had a good deep-clean for two weeks, Delia. Now, I don't like to strum my own banjo but extractions is my middle name - you ask the fellas at 'Zaks'! You ask the head chef at the Wensum Valley Kentucky Fried! Now, I could be in and out of your gaff in two hours, Delia - I figure one hour on the canopy, one hour on the inner layer - as long as we're talking strictly cash-whistle-whistle-know-what-I-mean or a ticket to the United game and a couple of 'K's. I'm dead reliable, never smoke outdoors and since my ban the license has been completely point-free. Deal?

Yours in anticipation,
Michael "Mike" Bolam

P.S. Are you married? We're both men of the world and of that uncertain age after all, so no need for us to go through the embarrassed fumblings of a first date at a Berni Inn or such - what do you reckon? I've enclosed a picture but please remember it was the Christmas party and I was on painkillers too."