An Open Letter From Michael Bolam

This notice is blu-tacked to the staff room door.....

"To: Staff, Ladies, Gentlemen, Rank, File etc.
From: Michael "Mike" Bolam [unofficial head kitchen porter, leader of bins, and bar.]

Now,
I know what you're thinking, "Aw, 'ere we go - another bloody notice about how untidy the staff room is, what'll it be this time?" "Something like, "Believe it or not, fairies do not come into this space after you've gone home and clear away your dirty protests for you."?" "Yeah, the sort of notice that encourages you to drop your trousers and leave one on the table." [that was more of a conversation than what one person was thinking, but I got carried away and sincerely hope no-one actually thinks like that. Not pleasant at all. You should be ashamed of yourselves] Anyway, now, the difference is that this notice doesn't come from the big-wigs, the fancy-Dans in the office with their lunch boxes, apples, condiments and the rest - but from me, your representative if you like. You see I'm one of you - I am leader of bins, but you all get to put stuff in bins - so we're almost equal. I'm going to cut through all the red tape, flim flam and managerial jargon and talk to you ear-to-ear, eye-to-eye & brain-to-brain about THIS ROOM - our lunching environmental haven.

Now, in a few billion years time the sun is going to run out of power. I don't know the details [I'm not a scientist], but it's a bit like a coal fire that slowly goes out because the coal can't last forever. Or an egg-timer when the sand runs into the bottom bit but the sand is energy and we don't get the benefit of what's in the bottom bit only the top bit. Or a candle [yes a candle, should've probably tried this one between the last two, sorry] that goes out when it runs out of candle. You get the picture. So, to recap, the sun, OUR sun, will eventually stop heating and lighting The Earth [like one of the utility companies going bust - that's my second favourite one so far] and we'll have to find somewhere else to go won't we? I know it's a long way off but they'll decide to travel to a new planet eventually - what if there's not enough room for everyone on the spaceship? Take this place as a 'for instance' - that lot in the office will get a ticket [you have to have people to order other people about, that's democracy] and the Vice-Chancellor of course, and Ken the maintenance guy, everybody loves Ken, but what about the rest of us? I can see them giving a written test, there might be a height restriction, "no trouble-makers, non-smokers only", that sort of thing - will you be up to it?

Now, I'm here to give you a helping hand because I know for definite what one of the exam questions will be. We've all seen films where someone is in a spaceship or an airplane flying at high hightetude - what happens when they have a gunfight and a bullet goes through the hull/fuselage/roof/starboard of the plane/ship? YES! The evil one of the two gets sucked through the tiny hole and into the endlessly cold wastes of space. WELL HOW CAN YOU EXPECT TO GET PICKED TO GO ON THE SPACESHIP THAT LEAVES OUR DYING PLANET IF YOU CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR TO THE STAFF ROOM YOU IGNORANT, THUMBLESS, TOSSPOTS?

Now, please sign below to indicate you have read and understood the above notice."