CountryWars

A long time in the future in a galaxy exactly, exactly like this one, this one in fact......

It is a time of great calm. Every year, on a saturday they have an air show at Southend, every other saturday there is a world war. This particular saturday the weather is fine [they learned how to sort that out] and there is not a cloud in the sky [they learned how to sort that out]. Yesterday's 'Off-White' hosepipe warning was roundly giggled at because they learned how to get it to rain at night when all the gardeners tell you it's best. So we have an air show, this year coinciding with one of the 26 world wars in the year [think of an impressive leap in year number from 2012, I don't see why I should do all the work]. These world wars are not the clumsy sprawling affairs you are used to, they begin at the sensible hour of 8:00 and are always over in time for the football results. 'Our' side is referred to as 'EUSA' since Great Britain won the 4698 Eurovision Song Contest with 'Jiggggxy Jiggggxy Gleep-Gleep' by the transient gas 'Geton', and Europe's Queen Peaches XXXHI married President J.Z.Vax IIIIIIII in an uncivil ceremony.

Having ingested their beer through osmosis, the crowd gets restless, fighting is forgotten about because everyone is as soft as shite these days. The new calm is maintained by ancient readings from the 'Hotel California' scriptures, read over the 'Tannoy' [stupid name I know, but this is the future, so cut me some slack] by the 'Voice Of America'. She's hot, that's all you need to know.

"Air show? That'll be all zappy light-speed ninjaships right?"

No, please feel free to butt in with further questions but you're so wide of the mark that the mark has given up on you ever turning up and pissed-off home. No, [as I was about to say] the space program was called off somewhere back in the deep, deep distant recessions of time due to lack of funds, lack of interest and lack of aliens. See, man eventually came to the conclusion that he was an idiot, incapable of asking directions from a directions-to-be-asked-of Droid so thought "hey, if these aliens are so clever let them find us and hopefully they'll call ahead so we can get some vapourBeer® in and ultranibbles. They never called. They never called because there aren't any out there [sorry to get all Maulder on you, or is it Scully? No that was that scouser thing by Alan Bleasdale ... sorry] we are actually in a little crystal ball in God's little fortune-telling tent. The League Of Gentlemen's Papa Lazarou, is the closest you'll get to Jesus, so get the DVD. So no spacey ships, just old ones carried around on strings suspended from even older elastic-band-powered airships. No more petrol. None. All gone.

Lovely day. Really can't stress enough how pleasant it is. The only tension in the air is caused by the world war happening during what is, as I may have mentioned, a smashing air show. The highlight of these things is always the big victory fly-past with Lancasters, B-52's, Jonathan Richman, Spitfires, Red Arrow and T.I.E. all in formation available on-line and in leaflet form. [press the red button] But you can't have a victory fly-past without victory...

Silence, it's 4:45, all football matches will have been hosed away ready for tomorrows, the crowds mate, reproduce and die all in the space of a turnstile and the cycle begins once more. Meanwhile in Southend, the 'Tannoy' crackles...
"Is this thing on?...Ah,....this is The Voice Of America!! Hi Patriots everywhere!!... *cheer*
"..Hope you're having a swell time in your country here ! *cheer*
"..Well, here's todays world war result......... *hush*
"..WE WIN!!! *larger cheer*
"..No casualties on either side, no lateral damage, water prices to remain fixed, unemployment figures to be lowered, imbibe responsibly and BUY WAR GARY U.S.BONDS!!"

Although there is no fuel, the crowd still hear the rumble of distant engines as the majestic fly-past flies near towards the point where it will pass rendering it a 'past' once it is indeed passed that point. The sound is generated by the mile-high surround speakers on The Isle Of Grain. You should see the size of those elastic bands, little does man know that they are powerful enough to send him into orbit around the bearded lady beyond the coconut shy.