Lower Faster Quicker

We are doing the Olympics next year and we fear for the athletes queueing at the chilli-dog stand outside Piccadilly Circus. A buffed and honed sporting machine cannot live for two weeks on steamed eels and doner kebabs so The Sebastian Co. has asked a select band of miserable bastards to try and hurry things on a bit. The opening ceremony [always death] will be recorded by recently sacked Panto actors in February to allow the talent to crack on with the competition. The aim is to have it all over in time for the highlights on Monday evening so let's get quantatively easing....

1. Walking.
I know, ridiculous as it might seem walking can be done competitively. I've seen footage [no pun intended and hopefully none taken], it looks like the commuters on London Bridge late for their 8:30 and inappropriately dressed. You can be disqualified for running, which everyone knows is quicker than walking - what happened to "Faster, Sexier etc.?" No, we are not having that not no how. Let them run.

2. Running.
Faster. Further, at a pinch. The 100 metres stays so we know who is quickest. I would like to see a 2 metre sprint with 10 hurdles for a laugh [a honking noise could be sounded if anyone falls over]. The relay is the work of the devil - slow down a bit and pass the parcel at intervals? Undignified, and it gives the slower ones a chance. If we must have a relay then just have all four from each team holding hands - only problem here is the need for a 36 lane track.
The snickers is a completely random 26 miles something-or-other because that was the distance from Buck House to Wembley - nothing to do with ancient Greece or modern Greece for that matter. The long-haul race should be 200 elite skinnies pointed north and the last one standing wins. Cars are better for going a long way, but they might not exist by the time of the games.

2a. Running and drugs.
Every competitor should be supplied with every chemical stimulant and performance-enhancing substance available. We'll still find out who's best, it might be funny and only the ones on ecstasy will believe it's 'all about the taking part.'

3. Throwing.
The spear and only the spear. Come next summer we'll all be hunting for our own food anyway so it'll be the only grass-roots activity represented. Perhaps the weightlifters could throw some gymnasts as both of these groups will be sadly unemployed in our edited festival. The Greeks can throw some plates if they like, as they did invent the whole thing in the first place.

4. Jumping.
The long jump we like - leaping up and down on the spot [minimum one jump per second] for as long as they can. They could do this at home if they like as long as Dale Winton or someone is there to make sure the rules are adhered to. We have ladders now so the high jump is obsolete, we don't expect the runners to run using flippers and gills - evolution isn't an accident. Snipers will be everywhere, so anyone trying the childish hop/skip/jump charade will be taken out.

5. Lifting.
Who cares? If anyone can lift up a lorry, give them a coconut.

6. Swimming.
We are land mammals, running is faster and most of us only think of swimming once we've fallen into Oulton Broad. It's an emergency reflex action and you don't see Olympic fire-fighting or first aid now do you? They don't even use the quickest stroke sometimes, idiots, and the endless permutations of medley and distance just to help the Australians rack up their medal tally? No.
200 elite speedos, pointed in the direction of America, if any are still going at 10:00pm.....

7. The Rest.
Mostly fannying about. Diving, bowls, gymbloodynastics [FFS], shooting, cards, toenail spinning, pylon erecting, tent deflating, bikes!, staring, give us a break.



In truth I'll be drawn in when it starts and you never know we might not completely balls the whole thing up. But: Boris Johnson - look on those words my pretties and despair. I wonder if we can get the winter games too, it's cold enough.